My babies turn two in just a week. In the next few days, I want to chronicle their birth story, highlighting parts I may have not blogged about or recorded before. As time goes by, I don’t want to forget those little details.
I’ve not really blogged about our full story prior. A little personal, but also quite a testimony to God’s amazing faithfulness… So here goes….
Ethan and I decided that we wanted children about 2 years into our marriage. I went off of birth control and for a few months, we decided to let things “happen if they happen”. But after about 3 months of not getting my cycle, and getting negative test after negative test, I decided to seek further testing.
After a few more months of testing, it was determined that I have cysts on my ovaries, meaning I don’t always ovulate regularly. It’s nothing that affects my life negatively, other than not ovulating regularly. Ethan and I met with a doctor to talk about our options. It was suggested that I try a drug called clomid which helps to stimulate ovulation. After some prayer, we decided to proceed with this, but neither of us felt comfortable pursuing any fertility treatments beyond clomid.
I went on clomid and experienced some of the most severe mood swings and night sweats I’ve ever had in my life! The first month my body did not respond. Talk about devastating! I remember it was around the time of my birthday and I was so angry with God. I thought we had finally found the “cure” for my medical problem. Easy fix. Why was it not happening for me? It was so easy for so many people around me to get pregnant! (I now think God allowed me to go through this time as a refining process and giving up my own control over the situation. I also think it gave me an empathy for women who struggle with infertility and the incredibly helpless feeling it gives you as a woman.)
The second month we upped the dosage of clomid and I responded! It showed my ovaries produced a mature egg. I was SURE it would happen that month. No luck.
The following month I was sure would work. We knew the proper dosage needed for my body to respond. I was shocked when I went in for the ultrasound to look at my ovaries and the woman said I didn’t respond. I remember going out to my car and calling Ethan and telling him, “I’m done.” I can’t do this anymore. He was very supportive. And I felt a HUGE weight lifted at that moment. To let go of that “need” to become a parent biologically felt incredibly freeing. Adoption had never been a second option for us, we just wanted to try to have biological kids first. Since it wasn’t working, we let it go and excitedly pursued adoption.
During the next month, I started calling agencies to get our home study process going. We were getting very excited. We were wanting to adopt a biracial baby and were told we’d be at the top of the list since we were an interracial couple.
I woke up on a Tuesday morning and felt different than I’d felt in the past several months. On a whim, I went to our downstairs bathroom and took a pregnancy test. I knew it would be negative. I’d taken quite a few before and was used to seeing just that one pink line. Almost immediately, two lines appeared! Shocked, I ran upstairs and jumped on Ethan in bed. I scared him nearly to death! We both were so stunned and then emotional. (Let me just insert here that I don’t ever tell women who are struggling to conceive that if they just “let go” it will happen. And to say this to women who struggle with infertility is hurtful. My case is quite unique, and was simply God’s plan for us.)
The following week I went in for an ultrasound to determine how far along I was since we didn’t know when I’d ovulated that month. I remember feeling so nervous that they wouldn’t find anything. Pretty early into the ultrasound the nurse said, “Well, there’s the pregnancy sac. And… it looks like that’s a fluid sac.” “What’s a fluid sac?” I said. She left the room and got the doctor. He came back and grinned. “Nope, you’re having twins!” “WHAT?” Ethan fell out of his chair.
To be continued…